I'm Totally Scared- First Descents For A Second Time

I did a stupid thing. I sat up on top of the Cliff Lodge and pretended it was like I was back in high school where I could stretch out on a lounge chair, flip through a Cosmo and soak up the sun. Less than an hour later my upper thighs are on fire. Even my chest got fried despite the SPF 50 I slapped on. I needed this morning of chill. I blew up at Ryan, and Sage was hitting the back of my leg in response to the anger. I snapped her up and forcefully plopped her on my bed, making her cry. All hell was swirling. I feel like I can't get in front of the 8 ball. Ever since Punta Cana I've been playing catch up without success. Looking ahead 10 days I'll be back home and can breathe again. I will do nothing but hunt for a new laptop, write and climb. Maybe kayak too. I don't see me pulling a C to C on account of the ATV crushing my ribs but at least I can paddle.
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing going on another First Descents trip; not because I'm taking advantage of the offering- an all-expense paid whitewater kayak adventure on the Flathead River in Glacier National Forest- but because I may not be welcome. That 'chat' I had with Whitney (one of the FD organizers) questioning whether FD was the right place for me really rattled my ego. Like a breakup from a guy when I thought things were going well, I thought, "Huh?" I wouldn't have signed up for a second camp if I didn't get something out of the camp last year. It was my feedback. It's got to be. Perhaps they're used to only hearing raves. Who would say anything negative when they get it for free? But I was critical- like I always am- not in a bad way or so I thought- but I offered up some constructive feedback that a company looking to forever improve should want to hear. I'm guessing they took it as me attacking their program; which I wasn't. I explained that of course I had an amazing time why else would I want to attend again? My sole gripe was that I felt forced to bond and share emotions. I just wanted to meet new friends (who have something in common) and learn to kayak. I wasn't looking for therapy.
This is the first year in 11 that FD will host camps for 2^nd timers. The first year- just get them down the river. Young cancer survivors testing their determination and living in the moment instead of dwelling on cancer. Many were introduced to something they never in their life thought they would be doing. Now, the second year- turn them into kayakers. The staff is excited about the new offering and so am I. To start up where I left off. Physically, not emotionally. To hone in more time on the river. But I may be entering hostile waters…and Konvict is our leader again. History. It may not be a good thing in this case. It was his job last year to force bonds and make us all share with those nightly campfire chats and I'm pretty sure he told Whitney that I often checked out. She called and we talked. She said that maybe this time around I should tell everyone that I'm an introvert when it comes to sharing emotions so no one takes it personally. I'm more nervous about the group stuff than I am about the paddling. Gulp.

Back For More

You're shitting me, I thought when my routine mammogram turned into two hours of close-ups and an appointment to come in for a biopsy. I wasn't dreaming and this wasn't last year's nightmare. It was a whole new kind of ugly. The good news- Your left breast (the one with a tumor that sucked away my summer of '09) looks great. The bad news, your right breast has microcalcifications. These look like specs of sand on a mammogram. I had five specs. Five. Five f&%king specs that could turn my life upside down again. 80 percent of calcs are benign. You get a little metal clip in your boob, a pat on your head and be on your way. 20 percent come back malignant and you're back on the operating slab and then on to radiation. I'm starting to get how people could just stop treatment altogether and say f*&k it even if their odds are good.
Every six months I have to go through this hell? This dread that it could be back. Canser. The bitch is back? And even if it doesn't turn out to be canser, my breasts will be Swiss cheese. So this Asian radiologist is describing what will happen next and all I'm thinking is how smudged her glasses are and how I want to pull them off her nose and clean them off for her. Maybe she was just seeing the dirt from her lenses? But then I see the evidence for myself. Those little fricking specs. And I want to run out of the room and cry. But I can't. I have to sit there and pretend like I'm listening to my dentist explain how to floss. I nod my head. I keep my cool. I'm going to have a stereotactic biopsy she tells me. It shouldn't hurt too bad and it won't leave much of a scar.
The procedure involves me lying flat on a coroners' table with my breast hanging from a hole in the center. Lovely. They numb me up then send a giant needle straight to the place where they 'think' the calcs are and vacuum them out. The tissue gets sent to a lab and 48 hours later, I will know.
I talked this all over with Ryan last night. Up until then I guess it hadn't hit me. I was fine all weekend. Even forgot about this 'issue'.
As I described what would happen to me today, I scared myself. Regardless of the pathology, this is my life now. Every six months for the next five years, at least, I will be forced to deal. I can never put it in my past and pretend that was someone else it happened to. Can I be strong and stoic forever? I got a copy of "Somewhere in Time" just so I could have a good excuse to ball my eyes out. I don't like feeling sorry for myself.
My doctor tried to make me feel better. "It's too soon after chemo for this to be anything bad," she said. "I'll see you in six months." God I really hope she's right.
I brought in my Zune and watched a movie while they did their thing today. It helped. Not sure if it was a smart choice to watch "Crazy Sexy Cancer"but I only had 15 minutes left and I wanted to see how the documentary ended. It took my mind off what they were doing under the table. The hot pain of the lidocaine needles, the dig of metal into my ribcage, the snap of the vacuum sucking out my insides. All were slightly dulled thanks to my headphones and lack of focus. The movie ended and I was helped up. The nurse pushed firmly over the wound to squash the bleeding but also to keep me from freaking out when I saw the hole. Oops. Too late. But I didn't freak. In the scheme of things what's one little hole compared to a 2" scar on your nipple??!!! I'll take the hole.
It's been a rough day. Did I mention my Homeowner's Association is breathing down my neck? I got a certified letter today telling me I can't rent out rooms in my house because it's a single family dwelling and that if I stop renting they won't pursue the matter further. NEWS FLASH- single family dwellings these days are defined as three unrelated people living together. That's what I got. And don't you people have anything better to do with your lives than scour Craigslist looking to 'catch' me? My Prepaid Legal lawyers are all over this one. As much as I'm irritated by their Nazi-like abuse of power, I do appreciate that the HOA actually took my mind off canser for the rest of the day. Thanks, guys. I spent all afternoon researching the laws and combing through my CC&Rs. I'm ready to walk- head high- into our annual homeowner's meeting tomorrow night. That should be fun. NOT. I wonder if the person who complained will speak up if I'm present. Or will they be chickensh*t? Stay tuned....

Birthcontrol

So I'm thinking I must have been living in some fantasy bubble that's finally popped. I don't have a dream child. I have the child from hell. My dad announced today from the front passenger seat as Sage was engaged in a full-blown, mind-bending tantrum, “I'm not going anywhere with that thing!” And, so, no trip to Orlando this summer. I've always known that Sage has an eye-popping set of lungs but the outbursts ended as quickly as they erupted when she was a babe. Now, at 3.5, those throw downs sound out as often as the word NO and last for an hour. In fact, it's usually 'no' that instigates it. I've followed all the rulebooks- ignore the screams and tears, take away cherished items, never give in, time outs; nothing curbs the horror. Today, this morning, it was wanting to watch Dora. Because Dora wouldn't come on for another three minutes and she couldn't wait, she got worked up. I shut off the TV and told her she wouldn't watch anything then. Hoo boy. Screaming louder than a tea kettle and crying so hard she had trouble breathing, I dropped her in the bedroom, told her she could come out when she calmed down, and took a shower. I dried off to her thumping on her door and my mother trying to tell her to stop. I took over and she stopped pounding but she kept crying. “You can come out when you're done crying,” I told her. Eventually, she came out. That works when you are at home with no immediate plans but what about the car?
Heading home from Fruita last weekend, she lost it. Because we told her to let her food digest after she said she was hungry and she had already eaten a cheeseburger and a quesadilla (road food). She thrashed about in her carseat. We took things away from her. Her sippy cup, her stuffed bunny, her shoes, her jacket! She could get items back when she calmed down. Nope. We threatened to not take her on another roadtrip, we pulled over for a brief moment (but really needed to get home), we ignored her and talked amongst ourselves. No end. Then it was her pants, her shirt and voile she was sitting in panties and crying her head off about being cold with no sign of letting up to get her clothes back. We didn't know what else to take from her! After an hour of torture (on us), she literally passed out. All I had to do was insist on her shutting her eyes. In five minutes, she was sound asleep. Poor thing was exhausted. Three and tired, with a pending cold. Of course! But then my dad has to go and say, “No excuses. Stop making excuses for her.” Stella saw Sage in action when we visited in January and Sage refused to take off her daughter Alyssa's princess costume so we could leave for the airport. I saw concern, shock, sympathy, disgust in Stella's eyes as I shut Sage into a side room for yet another timeout while she tried to blow out her vocal cords. Again, she was exhausted from five days of convention walking at the SIA show. I'm thinking of my dad's words. No excuses. Just because she's wasted does not make it ok to sound like a five-alarm fire and you're being attacked by pitbulls all at once.
After today, I can no longer live in denial. I'm calling an intervention on myself. We need help. Even Ryan agrees now. It's happening at least once a day. At home, we can shut her in her room until she chills. We aren't embarrassed because the displays aren't public. Here, in San Diego, very public. We had a perfect 2+ hours in the movie theater watching Ironman 2; she comes trotting out all gleefully talking about how she wants an Ironman costume for Halloween. In the bathroom, she softly says she doesn't have to go potty. In the parking lot she shouts about how she has to have chocolate ice cream. It wasn't a scream. An adamant demand. I told her not to shout or she won't get any ice cream at all. "But, Momma! I had chocolate ice cream with Noah and Isaac!!!" She shouts. There was absolutely NO cause to raise her voice. But she was in the moment I guess. I told her well, that's it, no ice cream. And so it began. The entire drive home was a nightmare. I felt the way I did when I wanted everyone to see how awesome Tenaya was but instead she barked at them and they called her Cujo. My heart sank. But to tame the beast and turn her into one of the most loved dogs in the neighborhood, I used a shock collar. Don't think there's a legal one for children. DAMMIT!!! Sage was once again wiped out from a weekend without naps and 8-hour (rather than 12-hour) nights. No excuses. She kicked, screamed, cried, SPIT all the way back to my parent's house. We all pretended she wasn't there. No luck. My dad put down his window and told her he would roll it up when she stopped. Nope. Just made her scream about being cold and her hair getting in her mouth. She tried to undo her seatbelt. I grabbed her wrists. She spit on my arm and screamed. I swear the drivers next to us must have thought we were kidnappers. She peed on herself, then cried about it. We got home, got out of the car and my parents hugged me and said they were sorry I had to go through this. Then they ran. I carried Sage to the bathroom, changed her clothes, put her in the bedroom to calm down- which she didn't do for another 30 minutes. No ice cream, no swim, no bath; there went all the things she wanted to do today. I wish I had recorded the fit. You can't begin to imagine.
Once she calmed down, I sat her down and explained that we don't act like this; that others do not want to hear her scream and cry and that she's not going to get what she wants with ths bhaviour. Yeah yeah, you're thinking well she's getting my attention. But she gets that plenty without the screams and how do you explain the car ride?
She's sound asleep now. Been that way since 7 p.m. Poor thing's exhausted. No excuses! I'm picking up the book Love and Logic tomorrow. If that doesn't help, I'm sending a tape to Super Nanny. This has got to stop. Her preschool teachers have no idea what I'm talking about. Apparently, Sage is a little angel for them. Ryan says it's because no one tells her 'no' at preschool. I can’t believe that. Plus, I don't really say the word 'no'. Most of the time, what she wants is reasonable or I offer a substitute I know should make her happy. The "no" comes after the tantrum starts. Like with the Dora thing today. I told her she could watch Dora… when it was on in 3 minutes. I never told her she couldn't. She threw her fit; I turned off the TV. I said she could have ice cream. I didn't have a problem with that. She yelled, I said no ice cream if not quiet, more yelling then crying.
I want to go to Orlando. And I want my parents to see how great Sage really is. I want to be able to say no to Sage and not worry that I'm starting WWIII. Any advice? Bring it.